I don't think playing catch with the kid was the problem so much as the fact that I kept dropping him.
When I'm really bored at work I like to write "I'm watching you" on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I hate waiting in lines. Hurry up and pick a suspect already.
Lady next to me in the hospital waiting room told me she has diarrhea. I must have one of those "tell me if you have diarrhea" faces.
I had an out-of-body-wash experience in the shower today.
Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.
Spent the last twenty minutes trying to get my sideburns even and now I'm sporting a mohawk.
There is little hope for the person who becomes addicted to cold turkey.
You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfish I am "THE GOD OF FLAKES."
My car is probably the most expensive bird toilet I own.
Jokes about Benjamin Button never get old.
If you've never played Tetris, you're probably useless at loading a dishwasher.
Kindergarten reunion??!?!?! I've gained like 100 pounds since then. No way I'm showing up!!!!
Helped a turtle cross the road today. So how does this karma thing work? Should I buy a lottery ticket, or just try to fold a fitted sheet?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."
Every time I see an obese family at a buffet, I throw a sack of marbles onto the table and have a live showing of Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If I ever lose a hand I'll replace it with a single nunchuck on a chain
Pour motor oil over a stack of CDs. Ta-da! Robot pancakes.
They say video games teach kids bad habits, but I've gotten out of at least 17 DUI's by flinging a banana peel at the cop car behind me.
"If I weigh 400 pounds and can lift 600 pounds, shouldn't I be able to fly by lifting the chair I'm sitting in?"
I should try my hand at high stakes poker because I'm pretty good at keeping a straight face when knowingly using an expired coupon.
I hope that fat guy didn't notice me glancing at the weight limit sign on the elevator just now. Or clearing my throat and pointing at it.
It's 2011. If you're still using a payphone, you probably deserve to be negotiating some sort of ransom.
Thanks to me, you'll probably start seeing 'For Display Only' signs on the toilets at Home Depot.
My mum brought a stepladder home yesterday, but it's just not the same as my REAL ladder.
I just killed like a dozen carpenter ants and now I have no idea what I'm going to do with all these little tool belts.
At the risk of offending my fans, I finally bought an air conditioner
Pizza jokes are all about delivery.
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
My company's health plan is a guy who comes to your house when you're sick and yells, "DON'T YOU QUIT ON ME!"
Asked my niece how to spell Mississippi and she said 'the river or the state?'- incase anybody’s wondering if we’re raising geniuses over here.
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I've ever paid for.
You don't have to speak bird to know that when they chirp right outside your window they're asking for you to kill them.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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