I'm not one to brag about my Press exposure but yes, it's true what they're saying in my local paper. I am selling my couch.
I'm not sure what this guy shaking a cup of change at people wants. He must just be bragging that he has change.
Always put your best foot forward. Unless you're wearing Crocs, then neither foot is your best.
In a car it's illegal to not wear a seatbelt. But I guess if you're on a bus they figure death will be a sweet relief.
Bi-Polar Bears usually attack without warning, then sob for hours while eating leftover walrus.
It's so cute how fish just can't contain their excitement when you cuddle them.
I may be a bit rusty, but if the world ever needs me to climb into a triangle and shoot asteroids, I'm ready.
The couple at the table next to me thinks some really weird guy is eavesdropping on their conversation but I don't see him anywhere.
It'd be pretty messed up if the cure for cancer was in those end-slices of bread.
It's about time we, as a sophisticated society, start getting birds to wear diapers.
Just met John & Jane Doe and their lovely children Play, Tornay, Potay and Alfred.
Hippies glare at me when I use plastic bags at the market. I wouldn't need to if this pack of gum had some handles.
Before you get all smug about "science" ask yourself why no microwave can penetrate the heart of a lasagna.
I'll do almost anything to lose weight. But exercising and eating properly is where I draw the line.
I like to make up little activities to keep the kids busy, such as "Go out and find $1000 by midnight or we're gonna lose the house!"
Remember before the smartphone when you had to take your laptop into the bathroom with you? God, it's like we were cavemen.
"Metric system? You mean the easy measurement system based upon multiples of 10, that every other country uses? Na. We're good." – America
Buying a new phone is basically being forced into a not so fun game of "how long can I go without dropping it." Same thing with babies.
"What the heck are you doing? I just brought you that." (most dogs during fetch)
I hope none of these haystacks are sharing needles.
I have a concrete strip on my front lawn painted to look like a slip n slide and every summer 10 to 15 kids learn a valuable lesson on it.
I just ate wood chips covered in lead-based paint... Hopefully I'll "number 2" a pencil.
I'm sick of this condescending parrot making fun of the way I talk.
What do you do with your gum when there isn't a trash can/little kid's hair to throw it in?
I don't understand why, with all the modern technology we have, objects in the mirror can't be the exact size as they appear
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
I'm only friends with people who are taller than me, just in case of thunderstorms.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.
Just had a panic attack thinking how little time I've practiced picking up stuff with my toes in the event I ever lose my arms.
Just once I'd like to make it through a game of mini golf without having to smash someone's windshield out with the putter
Calling your baby ugly makes me rude? How about you making me look at your ugly baby makes YOU rude.
If you're not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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