I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says...
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
If your dog has weird unsightly nipples, it's OK to throw 3 or 4 little bras on her.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.
Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream WAIT DON'T HANG UP right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.
Chewbacca told everyone about the new Star Wars movie. Dang wookieeleaks
I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.
I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.
If I'm reading this correctly the Second Amendment allows me to shoot a bear, tear off his arms and keep them.
They say people and their pets start to look alike, which is why George Clooney is now tied to a tree in my backyard.
You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
It's exhausting typing "NO ONE CARES" to all your friends' baby pics on Facebook.
Sure, I'll spend $5 on a cup of coffee, but I draw the line at paying 44c to have someone travel 3000 miles to hand deliver a letter for me.
I've been retracing my steps and now I have all these outlines of feet on my floor and still no keys.
Either Narnia has really gone downhill or I'm just sitting in some guy's closet.
Ever misspell a word so badly that you spell a different word correctly? It's rather embroidering.
Old ladies smell both good & bad. Like if you farted through a scented dryer sheet.
I just gave a woman $700 to put her screaming baby in the overhead compartment on this plane.
I'm on a cruise this week. My humor didn't go over very well on the observation deck, nor did what I left behind on the poop deck.
A man across the store just waved & said "Well aren't YOU a cutie pie?" Can't believe he was flirting with me in front of my baby like that.
I just went to the bathroom without my phone. I had to read shampoo bottles like it was 1999.
Medical problems are the #1 cause of death.
I just bought something with money at a store. Now I'm taking it home. I guess it's true: you get what you pay for.
You should never trust a person as far as you can throw them. Needless to say, I trust the heck out of babies.
Can we hold off on finding a cure for cancer for a minute and focus on getting the timing right on automatic faucets in public restrooms?
Just once I want to see "Soooo many animals harmed in the making of this movie. Like, SO many. An insane amount. Too many, probably."
My diet plan consists of getting a full body tattoo of some skinny dude.
"Life Lesson: Never under any circumstance should you compliment a woman on her mustache, no matter how impressive it may be."
Won a time machine on Ebay. Disappointed when I received a clock.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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