I wish work was like high school when I could just poop my pants to get sent home.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
I think the best thing about being a cyclops is no one would notice if you had a lazy eye.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I'm on I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!".
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
We now have tortilla chips shaped as functional shovels to minimize calories burned when scooping junk into our mouths. Your move, diabetes
Everyone lies on their resume but I fear I may have gone overboard with 'immortal' and 'shoots lasers from eyes' and 'hardworking'.
For date night tonight I'm taking my wife out for a nice dinner at the Sam's Club sample tables.
I can never remember if X is hug and O is kiss or if it's the other way around, so sorry if our tic-tac-toe game starts off a little weird.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed.
You know those little helmet stickers some football teams use to reward personal achievement? Bald guys should do that.
For Sale: Golden Retriever, Had for 9 months has yet to retrieve any gold. Should just bought metal detector! Unbelievable.
So hypothetically speaking, what do you think is the scariest mask they would let me wear in line at the bank?
Dear toilet paper makers, We’ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the middle softer.
Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is.
There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a "Kids Eat Free" promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
I'd have to say that my biggest downfall was about two flights of stairs.
I'm taking a 10-hour drive tomorrow and I'm worried about where I'll be pooping. What? No. I don't want to supersize. Aren't you listening?
I was just told I'm someones BFF. Being the idiot I am, I had to google it. Backup-file Format is a euphemism for something hot right?
We could save a lot of hassle if we just made macaroni out of cheese in the first place.
Does this comic book collection make me look single?
Open your eyes, people! The Three Little Pigs was written by bricklayers.
When I meet a celebrity I like to bring a ceiling fan with me so I can be all "Nice to meet you. Big fan".
Waking up in the middle of the night to a 4.0 earthquake is kinda awesome until you realize it was not an earthquake & what's that smell?
If your middle initial is V, I bet you constantly get mistaken for a court case.
I'm working on a screenplay called '127 Seconds' about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Is it offensive to refer to Egyptians as "mummies"?
I'm going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they'll let me take.
All restaurants are drive-thru if you drive hard enough
I'm surprised that more people don't shoot at the signs on Target stores.
As if being a surgeon wasn't enough you're a general too?
Half of all bears are smarter than the average bear. It's not that big a deal.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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