Babies are like Polaroid pictures. They develop quicker when you shake them.
Remember when only the really cool people were on Twitter? Oh, you weren't here then? Oops, my bad...
Balloons think they're so cool. I tried to tell one he was leaking and he just said, "Pfft."
"I love the north pole and hate the south pole!, wait I love the south pole and hate the north pole!" ~ a bi-polar bear
The waiter at the Mexican restaurant called me "Amigo". Am I in a gang now?
Nervous about our 1st ultrasound exam. What if my baby doesn't make ultra sounds? What if it's just farting noises? Is it graded on a curve?
I watched craps at the casino for over an hour tonight until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
I bet if I could see into the future, I would use that power to watch a lot more TV.
So weird that before we invented cars, if you hated someone you keyed their horse.
Can you believe my neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning?! 2:30am! Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...
On soy milk cartons, the missing kids are always named "Skylar" and were last seen getting into a Prius
I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
I hate having OCD - do you realize what it's like to feel somewhat compelled to wash your hands nearly every time you go to the bathroom?!?
My ten year old made me pay him $10 to do the dishes, so I mugged him on his way to the bathroom because, you know, life lesson.
If the waitress doesn't have a visible tattoo the restaurant is usually too expensive for me.
Open your eyes, people! The Three Little Pigs was written by bricklayers.
I don't feel bad for the people killed in "Jaws". When I know where a murderer lives, I don't go swimming in his bathtub.
80% of life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts
I sneezed real hard, and while I did not break any bones, I did sustain some tissue damage.
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.
I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
The thing about being vague is, lots of stuff.
I want to be a "cool" uncle, so I let my nephew play with all the things I wasn't allowed to when I was his age. Mostly knives and bleach.
Everyone always talks about the early bird. How about the early worm? How'd that work out for him?
Just went too deep with a Q-Tip and now I can't do math.
Next time I cut out eyes in a painting to watch people from behind the wall, I'll use a portrait instead of a landscape.
I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.
I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.
Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.
Oh man, I think I took a wrong turn somewhere. Looks like I'm gonna have to backtrack 25 years.
I will spend a minimum of three minutes looking for something resembling a spoon before breaking down and washing one.
I'm selling shirts for armless people called Ampu-T's.
Those "Smoking Kills" stickers on cigarette packs would be more effective saying "Smoking Kills Puppies with a power drill covered in bees."
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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