Just asked a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point. Got punched.
Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it dosen't come back, zombie style, with revenge in it's tiny heart.
Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream, people.
A hippie just used "dude" in so many different contexts while talking to me I had to translate using my Brosetta Stone.
They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.
So it's legal to sleep on a pillow but illegal to hold it over someone's face until they die? Ugh, government
Breastfeeding your infant is important. But what about the wings and thighs? Should I just leave the whole KFC bucket in the crib?
I started volunteering with children today. Should I use anti-bacterial hand gel, or is spraying them in the face with Lysol enough?
Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.
The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.
I burnt my mouth on a slice of pizza. But I got my revenge. It's poop now.
When I quit my job I'm going to barge into my boss's office, slam my gun and badge on his desk, and storm out of this Arby's forever.
I need beer money but I've probably captured my neighbor's cat and returned it for the reward one too many times.
Does anyone know how to change the batteries in a dead kitten? Please help.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.
"What? Huh? Talk louder. Nope, still nothing." -5 minutes after receiving the deaf penalty
I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.
There is no good path to take when you come to a spork in the road.
You mail one pig snout with a note saying "I'm oinkers for you!" attached, and suddenly you're 'psycho'. Whatever.
I don't get you Vegans. If cows didn't want to be eaten, they'd move faster.
It's amazing how few people list "The Hospital" as their emergency contact.
There should be more than one kind of handicapped parking placard. "I have no legs" and "My knees gave out at 350 lbs" aren't the same.
My phone changed 'loud' to 'logs' so I "laughed out logs" at a friend's joke. I mean, I did poop a little, BUT HOW DID MY PHONE KNOW?
I must remember...no matter how well hidden I might be in my cardoard box fort, my boss can still track me down by the giggling.
Before I go to the airport I'm going to swallow a Hot Wheels car & an action figure. Then when they scan me I'm going to act like Godzilla.
Guess what happens when you have a vivid dream that you're taking a piss.
Children shouldn't talk to strangers. Not because strangers are dangerous, but because children are incapable of meaningful conversations.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn't convenient at all.
At this point, camels should know better than to put straw anywhere near their backs.
When you have to deliver bad news, always lead with something worse: "Honey, our cat died. Just kidding! But, I forgot to buy cat food."
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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