OUT OF ALL THE BIKES ON THIS BIKE RACK, THIS ONE'S SEAT DEFINITELY SMELLS THE WORST.
Pretty proud that after all these years I still have the body of a 22 yr old triathlete. In my storage shed.
What's the number for poison control? Dancing With the Stars is on and I need to make sure this will be enough.
I'm about to eat a Famous Anus cookie… wait a minute, I think I might have misspelled that…
I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at Capri Sun.
Evidently that good Samaritan stuff doesn't apply when you help an old lady cross the street on the hood of your car.
I'll betcha that Heimlich guy gets a lot of pats on the back.
FYI: If someone says "I'm game," you can legally shoot them. You should probably check your state and local hunting regulations though.
At what age do you switch from puppy to dry dog food? My daughter is 14 months old.
Next time your sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.
Having trouble finding paper towels. I need a Bounty hunter.
HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.
My 9 year old daughter just beat me at Wii baseball... I'll bet she's on the juice.
I bet if you work at Tyson Foods sometimes the correct answer to "guess what" really is "chicken butt."
When a track star gets best time in a race they "Break a record" but when I do it I've "Falsely entered a Special Olympics event".
I bought a book yesterday-a real one with paper, and you have to turn pages and everything! Living like a cave person. Life is hard
The world has gotten so politically correct that I don't know what is appropriate to throw at a crying baby in a restaurant anymore.
I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Ifyou don't want me staring at your tattoos, maybe you should lock your front door before showering.
True Fact: If you write a suicide note that rhymes, it also works as a country-western song.
Hey, dude who's still lighting fireworks at midnight, nobody would notice a couple of gunshots right now.
I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room
I bet other balls don't like Wiffle Balls because of their holier than thou attitude.
They say eating when you're bored is one of the worst things you can do but I think shooting kangaroos is at least equally bad.
Today I extended an olive branch to my enemy. As hard as I could and right in the eye.
She wants to know what I accomplished on my day off, but when I show her she yells at me for not flushing. Marriage is hard.
Wife has a fever. Daughter has a fever. Neither are of the "disco" variety.
Man.. These croutons are the best thing since dried bread!
At what point in time were cats being stored in bags so frequently that they had to come up with the phrase: "the cat's out of the bag"?
the waiter snuck up on me when i was eating my steak and now i'm all embarrassed 'cause i'm not sure how much to tip someone i just stabbed.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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