A friend told me I'm out of touch. I laughed so hard I almost peed my Hammer pants.
If you look up "cool" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.
If you get invited to an AT&T executive's wedding, don't go. The reception will be terrible.
My dentist is going to be so proud of me! I've been brushing my teeth like ten times a day since I started using Betty Crocker toothpaste.
I'd don't know if this qualifies as a super power, but I'm 100% accurate at finding cat vom in the dark with my bare feet.
Sometimes I find it hard to express myself because FedEx hears me breathing.
I knew that wouldn't flush when I ate it.
I'm trying to initiate a neighborhood watch program but the neighbors keep closing their blinds.
You'd think that Hip-Hop music would have more bunnies in it, but no.
I lost my only son today. Ha! Talk about a bad heir day.
Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger--unless you have a rock.
Twitter gives me this paranoid feeling that I am being followed.
Ran out of laundry detergent, so I poured in some Windex. It worked OK, except for all the birds smacking into me.
I don't usually pick up hitchhikers but this poor guy looks like he's running late to hockey practice. He already has his mask on.
This bathroom stall was quite a find. Not only does the toilet paper come in a book but it also has its own phone and a view of the city.
I just turned my iPhone into an iPad simply by holding it closer to my face.
ahhh. this weather takes me back to the glory days of stealing dad's lawnmower & joyriding all day until the squirrels made the blades stop.
I'd participate in more blind taste tests if they didn't always scream & hit me with their canes while I'm licking their arm.
CALL AN AMBULANCE!? NO WAY! that old lady is DEFINITELY unconscious. here, go start my car. I'm gonna go wipe the prints off our frisbee.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
Only 2 more weeks! My wife promised me that if I kept the baby alive for a year I could get a plant!
Some parents count to 10 to get kids to behave. I use a similar technique where I string out crime scene tape and fire up a chainsaw.
I think I could make a pretty decent living as one of those people in infomercials who have immense difficulty performing everyday tasks.
Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time.
Shot my first turkey today.. scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section...
I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all "what's up fatty".
if you press "up down up down left right left right" on the soft spot of the baby's head, they do a super move.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you do stuff.
There is absolutely nothing funnier than yelling "HE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a dad having a hard time with his kid in public.
Dear Kirstie Alley, We're really pulling for you on your new diet. Sincerely, Chairs
Is it "Hey moron" or "Hey Moron"? I need this email to sound professional.
Why are there no apps for my pager?
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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