Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I'm sorry, everyone who wrote stay cool in my yearbooks
When I go to a business that offers hand sanitizer by the cash register, I spit in it and say, "If it works, that shouldn't be a problem."
Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. I'm going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I’m typing this with my middle finger.
I saw a boat with a sign that said "For Sale" so I added an "ing" to the end. Those idiots are lucky I came along.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
If a man tells you he'll fix it, he will fix it. There is no need to incessantly remind him about it every 5 to 6 months.
Well no wonder we haven't cured cancer yet. Our standard for the "best medicine" is laughter.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Cargo shorts are awesome because you have extra pockets to carry all the ladies numbers that you get.
Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.
I'm in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I read an article about how much college will cost in 20 years so I’m scraping some paint chips off the house for my daughter to snack on.
Of course he's a "jolly" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be freaking delightful if that were my job.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
MORE COMING SOON...
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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