I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.
PRO TIP- Always watch your step on an escalator. I once tripped and fell down the stairs for an hour and a half
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? I mean besides the taste.
When deaf people want to interrupt each other, do they slap the other person's hands out of the way?
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
My wife asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom. I asked her what it was going to do. I'm hilarious. Everyone says so.
If we stop neutering our dogs then the Terriers have won.
Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you don't know the man & he doesn't know you're eating his popcorn
If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!
I know two wrongs don't make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I'm like on 756.
There is no "i" in "team." But there's an "i" in "Tim," and my friend Carlos pronounces it "team." So there we go.
DID YOU KNOW? You can feed a lot of squirrels into those pneumatic tubes at the bank before the teller finds the shut-off switch.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn't be so destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?
WARNING: If you see posts offering free clips of Justin Bieber's new album, DO NOT CLICK. They link to free clips of Bieber's new album.
Being a vegetarian is a big missed steak
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse is less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.
"Yes I understand that's your face, but it's also the place where I need to put my butthole." - Cats
The message in a bottle is probably my favorite form of communication that involves throwing garbage in the ocean.
I gave my keys to the Taco Bell valet when I showed up and now he's nowhere to be seen.
A frog literally just intentionally threw himself under my lawn mower I guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Imagine if you found a dresser made by Jesus during his "carpenter" days. The guys on Antique Roadshow would lose their minds.
Glad I read the label on that Clorox. I was about to rub it in my eyes and keep it in the reach of so many children.
Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in the store!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
I hesitate to make fun of "Canadian bacon," because I know they'll eventually play the "American cheese" card.
Just found my birth certificate. Ugh, it's official: I've gained weight.
I just watched a show about burritos spinning in a circle because my television's broken and my microwave's not.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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