You can tell a lot about a person by how quickly they grab their phone back to make sure you don't scroll through the rest of their photos.
In my experience, cross-eyed employees are the best deterrent against shoplifting. You just can't be positive that they're not watching.
If you know the thread count on your bed sheets we're in different tax brackets.
Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.
How convenient, I can cook this lasagna in the microwave in 30 seconds, or in my oven in 4 days.
Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica but it turns out he was just sneezing over and over.
CD worms made tapeworms obsolete.
I'm going to make a list of my favorite sausages, brat to wurst.
"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.
Why would anybody ask me anything when Google exists?
Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.
if a wheelchair athlete used WD40, would it be considered a performance enhancing substance
I thought "asbestos" was Spanish for "best donkey."
Just bought a Ken doll. I don't know what everyone's talking about, you can't read books on this thing.
I figured those penguins would thrive in our freezer but no.
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.
Look. If we're going with redundancies like "tunafish", I'll just have my beefmeat and be done with it.
Man found dead in chicken coop. Fowl play suspected.
The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood.
When a family member unexpectedly dies what's the proper waiting period before removing their stick figure from the back of the minivan??
"You give me one leather jacket, I invest it, then give you back TWO leather jackets!" - Fonzi Scheme
I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.
23% of traffic accidents involve cell phone use, but 77% do NOT involve cell phone use. Statistics don't lie. It's safer to use your phone.
I can't find my lucky sweatpants. Now I'm going to totally bomb this job interview.
SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.
Gotta hand it to midgets sometimes. You know, cause they can't reach and all.
I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I hate it when people come to MY house, knock on MY door then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
I'm sick of being the guy everyone comes to when they want the money I owe them.
what do you mean you can't deliver pizza to a pillow fort
It's so cold this morning I had to separate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers.
It's not so much that I love karate as it is that I hate boards.
My wax museum is going to start small by focusing on famous people who look like candles.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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