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Things to think about while the glue dries (part 12)
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Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

 

Text abbreviations date back to the days of the telegraph with common shorthand like DFMWOL for "Dying From Musket Wound Out Loud."

 

I snore at night, so I bought a bunch of those Breathe Right Strips for my wife to shove in her ears.

 

Every time you watch Jersey Shore another book commits suicide.

 

If you visit a city, make sure you buy a T-shirt with that cities name on it so people know you went to that city.

 

If Gillette made toilet paper, we'd be up to 4 or 5 plys by now.

 

I used to drink beer in my underwear but now I use a glass.

 

It sucks that bowtie pasta is the only edible formal wear my grocery store carries.

 

 If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

 

Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.

 

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.

 

Freaked out the UPS guy by going to the door in my underwear. I don't think it was the underwear that scared him as much as how I knew where he lived...

 

I like to knock on random doors and say, “Hi, my name is Current Resident and I understand you're the jerk that's been opening my mail.

 

In blind taste tests, most consumers couldn't tell if a person was blind by tasting them.

 

If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn't have couches at this Best Buy.

 

My favorite salad is a bunch of different kinds of Doritos mixed together

 

Relax, Starbucks girl. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why did you write "tip jar" on it?

 

Public restrooms are awkward. I never know what to do with my other hand when I'm at a urinal besides flick the earlobes of the guy next to me.

 

WTGD- "If I had kids I wouldn't let them listen to classical music. They're exposed to way too much Sax and Violins as it is these days."

 

I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

 

Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.

 

anything is pocket sized if your butt is big enough

 

You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED.

 

[me narrating a documentary about whales] look at these useless fat rubber sea pigs

 

Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don't understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

 

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it's the scientists that aren't washing their hands?

 

Take a look at trending topics and you'll realize why they have to write "do not eat" on dry silica packets.

 

It takes more muscles to frown than to smile. So, hate fun or have a fat face, your choice.

 

I try to buy American, but I just can't find a good domestic finger trap.

 

Did you know that if you drive past the first drive thru window your food is free?

 

I'm making a device where if you push an already lit elevator button, you get Hepititis C

 

I used to drink beer in my underwear but now I use a glass.

 

I got the early bird special at Denny's. Don't do it, these worms taste like crap.

 

Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!

INDEX:

Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.

OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!

PART 10

PART 11

PART 12

PART 13

PART 14

PART 15

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