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Things to think about while the glue dries (part 11)
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My girlfriend accused me of being big-headed and thinking I was better than I was. I nearly fell off my throne.

 

If my open tray table can really hinder a landing we really need to rethink the whole air travel thing.

 

"It's all about being confident in the way your butthole looks." - cats.

 

Grandma is doing her best to stay cool. She signed up for some hip surgery.

 

I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

 

You'd be shocked at how easy it is to walk into a nursing home and draw mustaches on the dementia patents

 

Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I paid for a $0.95 corndog with a dollar!

 

Still waiting for mine to mature into adultneys.

 

I'll stop gnawing the ends off violins when they stop looking like Cinnabons.

 

Sharks prefer Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles in a blind taste test.

 

Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.

 

I just bought a round of shots for everybody, but they're being totally ungrateful and saying they don't even have tetanus.

 

Shoulder blades sound way more awesome than they are.

 

If you're not using Social Media to spout your uninformed opinion then you're totally missing the point of the Internet.

 

I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.

 

"Wow! Go show your mommy!" -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

 

Bullcrap this steak's rare. They have it at like every restaurant!

 

Paper is supposed to beat rock. But last time I wrapped a rock in newspaper and threw it at someone...it was the rock they were mad about.

 

I just read that the average person spends 2 weeks waiting for a traffic light to change. Forget that. I'd run it after 3 or 4 minutes tops.

 

I just saved 57 dollars on my groceries without a single coupon. Self checkouts are awesome.

 

String theory? It's more than just a theory, dude. String is real.

 

Selling chewing gum. Mint condition.

 

My daughter got her dress caught in the escalator and I had to keep walking so people wouldn't think she was with me.

 

When punching a toddler, how hard is too hard? Calm down... I'm not talking about MY kid.

 

My favorite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.

 

I feel bad for kids in wheelchairs. I bet they get pushed around a lot.

 

There would be a lot less litter in the world if we just sharpened the walking sticks for the blind.

 

I buy bags of Halloween candy and boxes of razor blazes just to see the look on the cashier's face.

 

You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.

 

If someone asks what you're doing today, grab a knife & yell "SOMETHING I SHOULD'VE DONE A LONG TIME AGO!" Sounds way cooler than "Napping!"

 

The problem with a well-balanced diet is the amount of chicken wings I have to eat that equals the weight of a dozen beers.

 

 Just watched Animal Planet. Get this: Hippos, while often hungry, do not actually eat marbles…

 

Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.

 

You can learn a lot about a person just by watching them through binoculars 24 hours a day.

 

 

Really the only way to look cool eating a salad is to shoot it into your mouth with a crossbow.

Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!

INDEX:

Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.

OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!

PART 10

PART 11

PART 12

PART 13

PART 14

PART 15

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