I do a hundred sit-ups every morning- one for each time I hit the snooze button.
Have your people call my people but keep in mind that my "people" are just stuffed animals with cordless phones glued to their necks.
Probably 98% of human history would have never happened if showing off for girls wasn't a thing.
When I hear my boss coming over to my desk, I mask my body's heat signature with mud and sit still hoping she won't see me.
Well... cats clean themselves... and we *are* out of toilet paper...
It's not fair to blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. It was more of a Domino effect.
One time I was checking out this really hot girl and she paid me for it because I was a grocery store cashier.
I just saw a guy with no legs. I told him all about my recent stubbed toe. I hope it made him feel better about the whole no legs thing.
What I hate about pasta is how they change the shape and act like it's a different food. I'm out to expose the fraud.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you I'll stop.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Let's play a game: If you were stranded forever on a desert island and had only one book of Russian literature, how would you kill yourself?
Ladies, do you like the strong, silent type? Then you'll love my farts.
I just dozed off for a minute and woke up freaking out because I thought I missed my exit.
Goats have it all figured out. All disputes should be settled with an aggressive series of headbutts.
You can run, but you can't hide. Unless you're a chameleon with broken legs. Then you can hide, but you can't run...
I bought some cheap toilet paper for the shop and now we've got a real mess on our hands.
"This is the one I use for wiping" – Handshakes
I wish women would put the toilet seat back up after they're done using it.
My grandma can hold her breath for over fourteen years!
To watch a reality show about a restaurant is to realize how much chef's head-sweat you've eaten in your life.
"Let's go with a clown, a penguin, and a guy that tells riddles." - The guy who came up with batman's villains.
Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on.
Don't you hate when someone without kids tells you how to parent? I think I know how much alcohol my kids can handle.
Since getting a Kindle, what I miss most about books is tipping them forward on the shelf to open a secret passageway.
That's the last time I buy underwear at a yard sale. I don't want to talk about it.
How many livers do people have? I want to make sure I have a backup before I put this thing on Ebay.
"Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor
I don't know what the limit on the office laminator is, but I'm sure as heck not stopping until I have a waterproof cat.
According to WebMD I may have something called "Your Computer Is Not Connected To The Internet"
If I ever get a tummy tuck I'm going to ask the surgeon to make a little pocket below my navel so I'll always have a place for my iPhone.
I wish people would stop making fun of me for being fat. I have enough on my plate as it is.
my fortune cookie message said 'Appearances can be deceiving'- then I realized I'd cracked open a snail.
It's pretty stupid how cats will just play with the same toy over and over as if it might do something new. Hold on, gotta check my iPhone.
Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!
Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.
OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!
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