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Things to think about while the glue dries (part 1)
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You know what else is pointless? Circles.

 

If a tree falls down and only a woman hears it, what the heck was a tree doing in my kitchen?

 

Note: When you cut jeans into shorts, remember to wear the top half, not the bottom half. lol. these denim calf warmers tickle my legs.

 

I used to go out with a girl who had a wooden leg. Everything went smoothly, then I broke it off.

 

I've just started an online dating site for Siamese twins. It's called Connect 4.

 

Once I posed naked for a Magazine. But I think the cashier would have preferred money

 

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

 

That's the third time in a week I've woken myself up by farting. One more complaint and they're not gonna let me drive this bus anymore.

 

Does the world really need another rhetorical question?

 

I'm glad they outlawed texting while driving. I can finally get some use out of this calligraphy set.

 

3 days before Christmas, my wife drops her 2007-era iPhone in a public toilet. I get the hint. She wants me to get her a much cheaper phone.

 

I just sneezed while eating a salad and the button popped off my jeans Which proves my theory: nothing good can ever come from eating salad

 

If I had a nickel for every time my pants have fallen down from carrying around too many nickles.

 

Well, I've been clean 6 days now. This 'showering' thing is amazing.

 

I'm surprised more death row inmates don't choose a machine gun, a key to the prison, and a helicopter for their last meal.

 

Who cleans up after Seeing Eye Dogs?

 

This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon.

 

Pretty nice 7 mile run, and I don't even care that that woman passed me because her cane was like a whole extra leg that never gets tired.

 

But Honey, if I stop eating this third bowl of Cap'n Crunch just because the roof of my mouth is bleeding, then the terrorists have won.

 

The dentist just said I need a crown, so I jumped up and yelled, "I'm king of the dentists!" The nitrous made it funny.

 

I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the neighbor kid isn't even around.

 

Dear every hip hop artist: No, I don't know what you're saying. Maybe if you ask me another 36 times before the song is over.

 

The only part I hate about not wearing pants is having to wipe snot on my bare legs.

 

 Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

 

Telemarketer: Are you a homeowner? Me: How big are your lips? Telemarketer: .... Me: Your lips. Are they huge? *click*

 

I don't know what Do-It-Yourself project Bono has been working on for the past 7 yrs but he must be tired of wearing those safety goggles.

 

Kidnapping is the most misleading term ever I've had these kids in my trunk for an hour and I can't get them to stop screaming let alone nap

 

We could have saved 10 - 15 lives a year if Noah would have just said "ya know what, bears? No". Plus the Cubs wouldn't be a team.

 

Eating at a T.G.I. Fridays on a Monday tastes like lies.

 

Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.

 

Twitter's still doing that thing where I'm not funny.

 

My daughter may only be one year old today, but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth grade level.

Waiting for the glue to dry used to be boring. Not anymore! Stumpy has collected hundreds of his favorite "thoughts" from all over and placed them here for your inspiration. Some he wrote himself, others he heard (or read) somewhere. While not everyone has a sophisticated sense of humor like his (dry, twisted, sarcastic...), there are sure to be many that will make you chuckle. And check out Stumpy's Facebook and Twitter feeds for a new one every day!

INDEX:

Some of our favorites have been combined with old-timey woodworking photos to make "memes", which may be viewed in the slideshow here.

OR.... You can read the whole list of HUNDREDS of different ones below More are being added all the time!

PART 10

PART 11

PART 12

PART 13

PART 14

PART 15

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